'We're watching you'

“Leadership is practiced not so much in words as in attitude and in action.” — Harold S. Geneen

If there is one thing I've learnt in relationships, it is that people won't remember what you said to them, but they will remember how you made them feel. For life.

This is a universal truth. 

Your team member will not remember what you said in the appraisal meeting, but they will always remember how you made them feel after it.

And I've had the unique opportunity to be on both sides of the table at different parts of my life. 

Many moons ago, as an individual contributor, I remember how devastated I felt when my manager berated me for a typo in a document I had sent out. 

Coming out of that meeting - I felt I was sinking, I could feel the stares from other colleagues. The team seemed distant. Eventually, I lost faith in my art. 

I know I wasn't a bad writer, but this became one lesson I learned the hard way. 

Years later, as a manager, I found myself in the unenviable position of having a difficult conversation with a team member who was struggling.

He knew he was struggling. He had personal losses that he was coping with. Unfortunately, we couldn't give him the rating he thought he deserved.

Coming out of the meeting room, I felt a strange sense of dejavu. 

Everyone was quieter, cautious, and you could hear a pin drop on the carpet. For the rest of the week, that team member was politely distant.

I had been fair, consistent and transparent. But I had not been human enough.

The ratings were correct. The aftermath was not.

Mirror! Mirror! On the wall, who is the fairest of them all?!

You always think you are the fairest manager in your hemisphere. Your team loves you and you can never go wrong. 

Wrong!

Your team is always watching you, emulating you subconsciously. And when emotions run high, they are evaluating you. 

Are you going to handle this calmly? Or are you going to explode? Will you listen to reason or justify your actions? Will you take responsibility or throw someone else under the bus?

According to a study by the University of Oxford, employees are significantly more likely to trust leaders who demonstrate empathy during difficult conversations.

Translation: Your team does not expect you to be perfect. They just want you to be present and more importantly - fair. 

The moment that changed me

After one particularly difficult cycle, a writer in my team stayed back after the meeting, smiled and said “I know I didn’t get the rating I expected. But thank you for not sugarcoating it. I will do better.” 

That stuck with me, because it It wasn’t the rating they remembered. 

It was the respect.

Giving performance feedbacks are tough in itself, but how you deliver it and what you do to follow up leaves a lasting impression in our future leaders.

If there's one thing I've been talking about in these series, it is this - I prepare the heart, not just the data. I always talk about growth, not just gaps. I acknowledge disappointment instead of sweeping it under the rug.

I also do a quick followup a day after the conversation. I show that I am there for them. 

Because their success IS my success. My only job is to ensure they are successful. 

Because leadership is not a performance - It is a continuous commitment to your team and yourself.

Takeaway

• Disappointment is part of leadership. You are not meant to be perfect.

• Trust is built in how you handle it. Never ever break it.

• People remember how you made them feel, not just what you spoke.

• Stay calm, stay curious, stay human.

• Your team is always watching.