The Hardest Conversation a Manager Will Have

“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” — Joe Louis

Come March every year, every team member I have worked with wants a promotion. Very few want to hear the feedback or understand that they have to earn one.

And contrary to popular belief, no manager looks forward to telling that talented person that they did not get the rating they hoped for. 

I have had this conversation more times than I remember, and it never gets easy. But over the years, I've chipped away the rough edges and realised it does get clearer once you build a system that cares.

As a rookie manager, I believed strong effort should automatically lead to strong rewards. 

I had a team member who put in the hours and elbow grease to push difficult time-bound projects out. He worked late hours, put in extra effort to understand client requirements, while staying committed to the process the whole time.

When appraisals came, he felt he would get an 'Exceeds Expectation' and an automatic promotion.

He got neither. What followed was catastrophic. His shoulders sunk. His face turned 4 shades of gray and his mind shut down. All within the 15 minute conversation.

'The work was impressive, but the impact was not yet at the level required.'

That distinction mattered.

As a manager, of people or business, we learn this hard truth: Hard work matters. But companies reward business impact that can be sustained and replicated. 

• Did the work move a key metric?

• Did it influence others?

• Did it improve how the team operates?

• Did it scale beyond one project?

In UX leadership, this often means:

• Clarifying product strategy

• Improving adoption

• Reducing friction

• Building team capability

Within UX, many highly capable individuals believe hectic activity means they are doing influential projects. Being busy doesn't mean being relevant. Many managers fail to make their team members see this difference. Also the reason why attrition soars right after March. 

A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that employees are more likely to accept negative outcomes when they believe the process was fair and clearly explained.

Ofcourse, fairness does not mean your team member will not get disappointed, but they will know they are functioning on a playing field which has the same rules to everyone and will treat everyone with justice. The article goes on to say being consistent also preserves trust. 

What made me better

While I think this is a culture thing, I used to over-explain. I believed that by explaining the what and the why, I could soften the 'blow'. They never did. It had the exact opposite effect.

Now I focus on three things:

• Be clear.

• Be respectful.

• Show the path forward.

I avoid telling them “You were close, but.."

Instead, always begin the quarter by telling them what the next level looks like, what is required to get there, and how to be consistent so that there aren't any surprises when appraisals happen.

Ofcourse, as an empathetic leader, I believe curiosity matters. 

I always make it a point to ask:

• “What feels most disappointing?”

• “What were you expecting?”

• “What would meaningful progress look like to you?”

These questions do not change the rating, but they help bring clarity. 

And more importantly, they foster a relationship where we aren't working at odds with eachother but supporting eachother. 

Takeaway

• Performance reviews are judgment moments, but also teaching moments.

• While effort is valuable; sustainable impact is what organizations reward.

• Clarity and fairness preserve trust even when outcomes disappoint.

• The goal is not to remove disappointment. It is to turn it into direction.